Welcome to my illustrated, church-approved, hypertext dictionary of the gods, monsters, and other entities found in the teachings of the Church of the SubGenius. You don't have to actually believe in any of these beings if you don't want to, but, by the same token, they aren't obligated to believe in you. Enjoy.All images are property of the SubGenius Foundation, Inc., and/or the individual artists.
Send all suggestions for inclusion/exclusion and other comments to John Searcy (searcy@onramp.net).
A plaster golf-trophy head of the famous world-cup golfer,
Arnold Palmer, smeared with red paint, which is actually the oldest living thing
in the Universe and a being of immeasurable power (Arnold Palmer himself is
actually only a cheap replica of The Head, crafted by the slack-draining Satan.) Indeed,
the Head must be "launched" with a golf club exactly once every Earth year to
prevent its immense power from rupturing the Universe itself! Currently, the
Head is being utilized by the Xists to combat
the sinister Yists or
Yacatisma (who, strangely enough, are working with the world-cup golfer, Lee
Trevino) in an intergalactic war of epic proportions. In fact, every major
world-cup golfer is working with a different race of aliens involved in this
cosmic battle, whose final outcome is yet to be determined. (Note: the
illustration shown is actually only a picture of a latex model of the
Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer, since the True Head's psychic aura prevents any
photographs to effectively be taken of it.) 
Rebel God.
Father of Lies. Mystery God. Possibly son of Eris and JHVH-1. 
Elder God.
Water Elemental of the West. His specific minions include Fastitocalosaurus
and the Deep
Ones. 
Semi-mechanoid, insectoid, serpentine zombies that inhabit
huge networks of caverns below the Earth's surface. Minions of the Elder Gods.
Primary Wife of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.
Daughter of The
Great Eistaa of the Dagon, one of the Deep Ones from
Innsmouth, Massachusetts. Rumors abound that Connie and her mother secretly run
the Dobbs business empire behind the scenes, but to what extent this is true
remains to be determined.
Living Master of Slack, High Epot of the Church of the SubGenius, and the
Luckiest Man Alive. A salesman born in the 1920's in the midwestern United
States to Jane McBride Dobbs and the Mayan Xiucha-Chi-Xan M. Dobbs (although
rumor has it that a Polish-Jewish milkman servant of Jehovah-1 was his
actual father), "Bob" was the oldest of three sons (his younger brothers being
named "Rod" Dobbs and Judas J. "Jim" Dobbs). "Bob" was chosen shortly before
World War II to be Jehovah-1's
primary agent on Earth. Under JHVH's guidance, "Bob" founded The Church of the
SubGenius in 1953 to round-up the disorganized SubGenii on the
planet into a unified body in preparation for the arrival of the Xists in 1998. In
1955, "Bob" married his "Primary Wife", Connie, who later
bore him five sons (Bubba, "Bobby" Jr., Adam Kadmon, Shemp, and Shaun) and a
daughter, Barbie Garbs Dobbs (although "Bob" now as at least one "Secondary
Family" in every state of the union and 2,2952 "Tertiary Families" spread evenly
throughout the world.) Although "Bob" was apparently shot and killed in 1984
(and several times after that), he has escaped from Hell so many times that he
is now banned from Hell, as well as Heaven, due to his lack of baptism, so that
he is now forever among the livng undead. 
Lesser Elder
God. Deity of Sex and Dirt. 
Superpowerful multidimensional entities which, at their furthest
incursion into matter, manifest as huge clouds of gaseous star-matter. They feed
off of high-energy vibrations emitted by living brains during periods of pain,
tension, fear, expectation, ecstasy, and violent death. They were created from
the pre-slack aethers at the same time as this universe. Originally, they were
all one huge entity composed entirely of Nothing, known as "Affathaughth",
but in order to achieve Somethingness, they lowered their vibrational level and
split into separate wills. Most of the Elder Gods are now "sleeping" in the
dimensionless Cold Wastes of Kadath, a condition they forced upon themselves to
avoid being consumed by their own subconcious thoughts, which possesed
physical form. They can still control affairs on Earth, however, with
their psychic projections, "The Watchers".
The Elder Gods are currently allied with the Negative
Elder Gods. Some Elder Gods, known as the Rebel Gods
escaped this sleep of cleansing and are still at large.
The sleeping elder gods' names are: Yog-Sothoth,
Hastur, Shub
Niggurath, Cthulhu, Titlacahuan,
Hypnos, Doormamuununu,
and Agammoto.
Rebel
Goddess. Goddess of Chaos. Ex-wife of JHVH-1. Mother,
with JHVH, of the twin sisters, Nunu and Narnini, and
possibly Bohandas. 
Sea
monster Watcher which
works for Cthulhu. 
Mysterious Rebel God.
God of AntiMusic. Possible rival of JHVH-1. Somehow
involved in the great sale of souls to the Xists in 1998.
Also somehow involved with the creation of the universe. 
Mrs. Marsh. Mother of "Bob's" wife, Connie. One of
the Deep Ones
of Dagon. 
Immaterial, scatterbrained demon-aliens seen after staring at a light source for
an extended period of time. 
Insect-like alien species with big, cute eyes
that regularly visit Earth and abduct humans. 
Elder God.
Air Elemental of the East. 
Pink, living beings shaped like wheeled tennis
shoes with ears and furred bellies, but with motors inside and propellers on
top. They are often filled with drugs and sent by the Elder Gods to
tempt humans
into allowing them into their bodies. Possibly in league with G'broagfran.
Race of bipeds incapable of original thought created by the Yeti in order to
generate pain and suffering to feed the Elder Gods.
After the fall of the Yeti empire, Mutantis, humans ran amok and populated the
Earth (an event possibly engineered by the Elder Gods from the beginning to
create even more pain and suffering), eventually creating the unconcious
Conspiracy of idiocy which is responsible for the sorry state of affairs on the
planet today. The SubGenii are
the half-breed descendants of the humans and the Yeti. (Occasionally, the term
"human" is used somewhat erroneously to refer to all humanoid inhabitants of the
planet Earth, including the superior SubGenii.) 
The
sum of all the many, many faces of NHGH, all of which
are related to each other in various incomprehensible ways. Its faces include NHGH, Eehg Eehn, and NarNuGH. 
Lesser Elder God.
God of Sleep. 
Humanoid son of Jehovah-1. In his
first incarnation, he preached a naive "peace and love" gospel, which quickly
got distorted by his followers into a mammoth multibillion-dollar tool of the
Conspiracy commonly known as Christianity. However, in his second incarnation,
he is a pleasant guy named Steve who is making up for his past wrongs by working
diligently for the SubGenius
Church. Reportedly, he is dangerous when angered. 
Mad
Rebel God.
Father of Jesus
Christ. Paradoxically, the driving force between The Conspiracy and
its enemy, The Church of the SubGenius, founded by JHVH's agent on Earth, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.
He plans to use his minions, the Xists to
force-evolve his chosen people, the SubGenii, into
super-powerful OverMen who will
help stop the Elder Gods
from breaking back into our own dimension and punishing JHVH for his rebellion.
A group of Watchers which
secretly help control world government. 
Rebel
God. The smiling, cosmic principle of Bad Luck. The embodiment of the
unspeakable Dark Side of "Bob". The son of
Nunu and himself! Visits
mortals and drives them insane. He has many, many different aspects or
"faces", all of which are bound up in the incomprehensible HyperNHGH. He
is a product of the Negative Timestream, where he is called Eehg Eehn. 
Agent for the Elder Gods.
Supervisor of The Watchers.
The superhuman race that the SubGenii will
be changed into by the Xists in 1998.
They have huge craniums, permanent smiles, the power of flight and invisibility
and a myriad of other amazing abilities. (Female OverMen are called UberWomen.)
Slimy
tentacled inhabitants of the prairie and other areas, known for their prominent
and powerful beaks, and often used for sexual gratification by humans, SubGenii, and
other entities. 
Minor
deity who controls the Normal Hell. A figure of Negative Slack. Is somehow an
ememy or rival of the Bleeding Head
of Arnold Palmer and is responsible for the creation of the head's human replica.
Lifelike monochromosomal psychic projections of the Xists who will
pilot the Xist's Escape Vessels in 1998 as well as fulfill the fantasies of the
card-carrying SubGenii who
are "ruptured" on board. 
Elder God.
Earth Elemental of the North. 
Half-breed descendants of the Yeti and the humans, the
chosen people of JHVH-1.
Physically identical to humans, but actually capable of original thought.
Created and maintained over the millenia by occasional renegade Yetis depraved
enough to mate with the lowly humans. 
Lesser Elder God.
Guardian of the Gates of Time. 
Psychic projections or fitful dreams of the Elder Gods,
which they use to control affairs on Earth. They take on physical form and often
appear as UFOs or Men in
Black. They are supervised by Nyarlathotep.
An
alien species from an unknown planet (Planet X), possibly near Proxima Regulus,
who are minions of mainly JHVH-1, but also
theElder
Gods. Their bodies are hibernating on their home planet, but they move
through the universe by relocating their senses. On July 5th, 1998
(X-Day), at 7:00 AM, they will arrive on Earth in the Escape Vessels of the Sex
Goddesses to transform the card-carrying SubGenii (those
with official Church of the SubGenius minister cards) into superpowerful OverMen. They
will do this both because JHVH-1 wants them to (see the entry for Jehovah-1) and so
they will receive "payment" from us in the form of a special blend of souls
which they will render up to the Elder Gods. The Xists are also currently
involved in a huge intergalactic war with the Yacatisma and
are utilizing the bizarre Bleeding Head
of Arnold Palmer to combat them. 
Anti-Xists. Gigantic, super-evolved machines who travel the universe causing
death and destruction, just for fun. Offspring of NHGH and Narnini.
Currently headed towards Earth! According to the Vatican Codex the
Yacatisma, in the guise of Serpent People, "tempted and fucked" all the
female Yetis in
"Eden", thereby ruining the "Test Batch" and possibly creating humans by
mistake, although this story is at variance with more recent accounts of Yeti
history. The Yacatisma are also somehow currently allied with the human world-cup
golfer, Lee Trevino, in a huge intergalactic war with the Xists, who are
allied with the bizarre Bleeding Head
of Arnold Palmer. 
Huge, luxuriously furred creatures created by the Xists to serve the
Elder
Gods. They created humans in order
to generate pain and suffering for the Elder Gods to feed off of. Their great
city of Mutantis was destroyed millions of years ago when two Yeti were
copulating too near the Great Crystal that powered their city. SubGenii (or
Yetinsyny) are the half-breed descendants of the Yeti and the humans. 
Elder God.
Fire Elemental of the South. During the Time Intersection of 2178 AD, he will
"become" the Oepening between our timestream and the Negative Timestream. "He
will synchronize his geometry with the intersecting angles of time, much as we
must enter a revolving door just right or get knocked in the head." 
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